I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.