Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
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Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”