Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
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What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”