STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
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Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments