Essential viewing in these troubled times.
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I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Selfie
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world