When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
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In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
This January has 47 Mondays
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast