I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
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Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Attacked by a mop.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.