Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
You Might Also Like
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.