Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
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I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
You know I’m something of a chef myself
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I saw this ending much differently.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
2 years later
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO