How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
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KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
One of the best
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.