Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
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You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good