Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
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Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
these two trucks have the same bed length
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband