Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
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[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.