I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
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I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
translated into Canadian
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.