A bad analogy is like a cucumber
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The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I’d use my best pan on you.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*