me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
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We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Alexa; make it look like an accident
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.