Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
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*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.