Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
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Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.