My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
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No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.