Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
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pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
getting corrected
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”