Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
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He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.