Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
You Might Also Like
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous