What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
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i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.