Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
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Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Ummm
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
This kinda thing happens to me often
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”