I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
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You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”