Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
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My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
12653.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
You saw nothing. I am ham.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.