I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
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just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.