Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
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A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.