Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
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Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
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Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
yea so i messed up lol
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣