As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
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Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck