DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
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my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
The USS B port
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.