I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
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That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.