As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
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You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure