Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
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WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Pringles
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Duolingo getting serious.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Your honor these allegations are
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]