JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
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I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.