Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
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Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”