Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
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Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”