Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
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I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
…u ok Nintendo?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Awwwww shit.