*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
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ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I have questions??