Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
You Might Also Like
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Maths meets science
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.