ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
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“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Are you ok, human???
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.