SF is the wild wild west man
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Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.