I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
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I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”