If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
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Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.