Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
You Might Also Like
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
you stereotypes are all alike