If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
You Might Also Like
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺