You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
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*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
The Compass
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
How it started How it’s going
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?