“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
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Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
jesus christ confetti not now
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed