My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
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Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Cake!!
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.