Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
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First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”